My demons
by dorina16able
Summary: A week before her wedding with Bertholdt, Sasha makes a discovery that shatters everything she believed in for the past four years. Old demons and nightmares come back with all their strength, well-hidden emotions explode and she realizes that she hasn't been quite herself these years. Modern AU


**A/N: It's oddly amazing how a single song, a single melody, can inspire you to write. So, another one-shot for our beautiful couple is here for you, guys, hope you'll like it. It features our pair of dorks JeanxSasha, of course, as well as mentions of MinaxMarco (oh, poor sweet Marco, he died way too soon)...as well as BertholdtxSasha at the beginning (because I had to find someone else to pair Sasha with for the plot development and I simply can't imagine her a couple with Connie...it could be adorable and cute, but these two will always remain the pair of best friends and troublemakers for me, hehe).**

 **To my lovely reviewer ilovejellybeans, don't worry, my friend, I'll start working on your requested story tomorrow and you'll see it posted ASAP, it was a hilarious idea and it will be very fun to write ;)**

 **The title is taken from the song "My demons" by Starset**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan characters in any way**

* * *

"Sasha, I'm leaving." Bertholdt goes to stand over his fiancée, looking even taller in comparison to her sitting form, her folded knees and the thick Dan Brown novel resting on them. "We have a meeting in the evening, so I'll probably be home late. I'm sorry for that, but—"

"It's fine, don't worry about it." Sasha forces a smile as she turns to look at him, trying to keep her voice emotionless; as the years pass, she's becoming better and better at this. "Maybe I'll go to Connie's, he's not working today and said it would be a chance to hang out and be a bit relaxed between all the wedding preparations."

"Great idea, I'll feel better knowing you're not on your own. Tell him I say 'hi'." Bert smiles at her and gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek. Sasha does her best not to pull away, not to _shove_ him away, not to pack her things and get the hell out of this house, which isn't _home_ for her despite the fact that she's been living here for two years already.

But she doesn't do any of this because she's getting married in a week and married couples are supposed to see each other off with sweet words and kisses, right?

 _Sure,_ happily _married couples, at least_ , she inwardly scoffs now as she smiles at Bertholdt and immediately focuses back on her book instead of watching his retreating frame... because she doesn't give a damn about his meetings and whether she'll be alone today; hell, she doesn't even give a damn about her own marriage, the mere thought makes her sick to her stomach. When she was a little girl she hated when family friends kissed her cheek and she always wiped it away afterwards; a part of her wishes to become that little girl again and wipe away the traces Bertholdt's kiss left on her cheek.

With Jean everything was different. She was actually sad when they had to go to their separate jobs or when she had to leave after staying over at his place for the night. Things mattered back then, she was always smiling and they'd hug and kiss each other because they both meant it; with him she never had the urge to vomit whenever he was near her or pull away from his touches.

 _Oh for the love of God, Sasha, stop this already!_ the young woman shakes her head and closes her book with a slam, as if the poor novel is responsible for the miserable turn her life has taken these past four years. _You've made your decision and you know very well that there's no going back, so stop doing this to yourself; it's bad enough that Jean is in your life only as a mere friend, stop comparing him to Bert, otherwise this will drive you crazy!_

Easier said than done.

Much easier said than done.

Comparing the two-year-long relationship she had with Jean to what she lives now is almost inevitable with the wedding so near and these thoughts don't allow her to sleep well at nights, when she has to endure Bertholdt's tentative grip around her and she remembers a happier period of her life, when she used to snuggle in Jean's warm embrace and fall asleep immediately, with the sound of his heartbeat in her ear.

 _God damn it, stop it! You intentionally broke his heart four years ago, you knew what you were doing, you know this is the only way!_

 _"_ _Sasha, why are you doing this to yourself?"_ Mina had asked her yesterday over the phone. _"I'm not there and yet I can sense that something's wrong. If you have regrets, if things between you and Bertholdt aren't working…"_

"There's no other way." Sasha whispers now; the same thing she's been telling herself all these years in a way to remind herself why she is doing this; why she is about to commit her life to someone she doesn't love, to someone for whom she merely feels simple affection and nothing more. "You're getting married in a week and everything will take its way…and Jean will be safe."

At this moment the characteristic sound of an incoming text message brings her back to reality and she sighs with relief when she sees Connie's name on her cell phone screen. No matter his objections for the upcoming wedding, no matter his attempts to make her open up to him about what's torturing her, Connie is the only one who manages to make her smile these days.

 ** _Mooorning! How's our lovely bride-to-be? ;)_**

 ** _Shut up, Connie, and don't use that term again! And stop winking whenever you mention the wedding in the first place._**

 ** _Girl, if I stop winking and joking about this circus…errr, the marriage, I mean, I'll start speaking bluntly and honestly about the biggest mistake of the decade...and believe me, you don't want me to do that!_**

Sasha laughs unwillingly at this last comment; a farce for a laughter, of course, because there's nothing she can find funny anymore, but a laughter nonetheless. It's ironic, really…because Connie doesn't know that agreeing to this marriage doesn't even come close to the biggest mistake of the decade, which she has already made. Before she can think about an answer, though, another text from her buddy arrives.

 ** _Seriously, Sash, why the hell are you doing this? You're obviously anything but happy, so why?!_**

 ** _Connie, please, not you too, I already heard the same question from Mina!_**

 ** _Well, she's right!_**

 ** _And cancel everything a week before? I'm not one of these women, Connie._**

 ** _You also never were one of the women who compromise because of their insecurities!_**

"Ouch, that hurt, Springer!" Sasha exclaims and shakes her head, fighting the urge to call Connie, tell him everything and beg him for help. Because it's not insecurity, it's fear and determination…fear for Jean's life and determination to get married to someone else in order to keep him safe.

 _It's the only way. That's right, Sasha. Put distance between you and Jean, force him to realize that there's no chance for you two to ever be together again…it's the only way to stop yourself from revealing anything._ She repeats her mantra, but the ringing of the doorbell saves her.

 ** _Connie, I have to go, someone's visiting._**

 ** _Perhaps it's your conscience to tell you what a huge mistake you're making?_**

 ** _Connie!_**

 ** _Okay, okay, I'll let it go for now. Just so you know, though, this isn't how I had imagined being best man at your wedding._**

 _This isn't how I had imagined being a bride at my own wedding, buddy._

* * *

When Jean sees Sasha as she opens the door, his big smile falters and is replaced by a concerned expression. The face that's looking at him from the doorframe isn't the face of someone who's excited about getting married, of someone who's ecstatic about starting another chapter in her life, like Mina was before her wedding to Marco. Sasha's fair face is now deathly pale, as if she'll collapse at any moment, her eyes are clouded and she's serious, although she tries to hide it from him. This woman has nothing to do with the cheerful and goofy girl he had met in school…nothing to do with the optimistic and tender woman with whom he had shared two years of love and whom he still loves with every fiber of his being. And no matter the words she told him four years ago, no matter how much she tried to shut him out of her life, Jean never brought himself to hate her; he wants to be part of her life, despite the immense pain and jealousy he feels at the prospect of seeing her married to someone else.

Which is why he can't stop worrying about her and it doesn't matter how she attempts to smile at him as she greets him and ushers him inside. He knows her well, he knows how she acts in different circumstances and the way she avoids his gaze and rambles about nonsense are the most evident symptoms.

"You're really pale and you're a lot thinner than the last time I saw you; don't tell me that you, of all people, are on a diet or something?" he asks her worriedly, but still giving a somewhat teasing tone in his voice. Jean knows that Sasha hasn't been well for four years now; she is constantly on edge, has become jumpy, with that permanently devastated expression on her lovely face, as if she's plagued by demons that don't leave her alone. When she first started going out with Bertholdt she was slightly calmer, but then she became worse and now she's a literal mess.

"Oh, no, just a lack of appetite these days…you know, nerves and all." Sasha dismisses his question with a gesture of her hand, like she wants to say it's no big deal. "So, uh…care for some coffee? Or how about your favorite tea, it won't be trouble…"

Jean, though, isn't in the mood for courtesies and small talk…maybe that's what he had in mind when he decided to visit her, but it vanished when he saw her so distraught, in one of her worst moments in four years. Before she can make her way to the kitchen, he gently grabs her arm and turns her around, observing her appearance and how she still doesn't look him in the eyes. It hurts him seeing her like that, it hurts almost physically, how she wastes her life away for reasons he can't understand—no one can understand, Sasha's been stubbornly silent all this time and everyone is simply forced to watch her struggle in a turmoil they can't even imagine.

"Sasha, you never were good at lying. Talk to me, what is it? Because I know it's not only nerves," he makes another attempt, the zillionth one, to find out what's tormenting her. He doesn't give a damn that they've broken up or that his presence here can be misunderstood; his love and protectiveness towards her hasn't gone away no matter the years that have passed. "You know you can talk to me and we never had secrets from each other, right?"

"This time everything has to stay a secret. Believe me, Jean, it will be better for us all."

"Sasha, come on, what is it? What? Give me a clue, is…is something wrong with you and Bertholdt?" Jean doesn't let it go so easily. He's been patient four years, respecting every single decision Sasha has made; he didn't stay angry at her for the way she broke up with him and the harsh words she uttered, he respected her relationship with Bertholdt, hell, he even respected her decision to marry the guy. Four years without showing his lasting feelings for her, only being in her life as a friend and bursting out in tears and anger when he's alone at home where she can't see him, but if this jerk is responsible for her changed behavior, then all hell will break loose.

"Sasha? Tell me, damn it! What is it? Is he cheating on you? Is that it? Is he hurting you?"

"No! No, Jean, he's not hurting or cheating on me, okay? Well, actually, I don't know and I don't _freaking care_ whether he's cheating or not!"

"Then why are you doing this, Sash? Hm? You neglect your own health, you don't care if he's unfaithful, even the stones in the garden know you don't love him…then why the hell are you marrying him?" Jean hates himself for raising his voice, but his endurances have reached their limits. He won't ask from Sasha to cancel the wedding and be with him again, no matter how much he wishes that; but what sort of marriage is this when she is all sullen and miserable? And what the hell is Hoover doing, isn't he noticing anything?

"Why, Sasha?" he repeats much softer now, almost to the brink of tears, because it destroys him, seeing her so confused and not being able to do anything to soothe her pain.

"I…I can't tell you…it's…it's beyond my strength." Sasha sniffs and wipes a few tears with the sleeve of her blouse, eyes still avoiding his. "Just know something, Jean…and believe me, I'm honest…everything I said four years ago…I didn't mean anything. Trust me, I can't say anything more, just…just know this."

Of all the possible answers, this is the last one Jean expected to hear. He remembers that night as if it occurred yesterday…it was about a month after Marco's death…and Sasha had told him that she couldn't do this anymore, that she wanted to end their relationship before it drew her mad…words and accusations that still sting him like thorns. And yet…even back then she seemed guilty…broken…like she wanted to convince both him and herself that they are better separated…which is why he forgave her so quickly. To hear now that she didn't mean anything is a balsam and a torment simultaneously…because it creates a series of more questions.

"Then why is all of this happening, Sasha? If you didn't mean anything, as you say…why have we reached this point?"

A broken sound leaves Sasha's lips at the sound of this question, making Jean feel even worse for pressuring her that much…but he can't handle it, it's too much for him. But when she approaches him and carefully places a hand on his cheek, that's when he thinks he's about to completely lose it. Before he can comprehend it, before he can even think about pulling away, he's already leaned into her touch, into the warmth it gives him…just like back then, like nothing has changed.

"We have some really bad timing, you and I," she says with a sad chuckle and now the distance between them is very small; Jean can feel every shaky breath of hers on his face. "This world is a very cruel place, Jean…and its demons have trapped us for good."

And then she moves her hand, rests it against the back of his neck, brings him closer…and then she kisses him; it's sad, bitter, weak, fitting the way she's been acting all this time, and yet so sweet and chaste that it sends shivers down Jean's spine. The man can't even think clearly anymore, he returns it immediately, keeping it innocent and soft and pouring all his pain in it. After suppressing his feelings for such a long time, he takes this chance and everything is alright again for some beautiful moments; both of them forget the harsh reality around them and return back to the days when they were both happy and carefree.

Despite the softness of the kiss, it shakes them, like a moment of awakening…it's so intense that Sasha sobs again, although Jean swallows the sob by keeping their lips sealed together…and now the taste of regret is evident for both of them. Regret for being separated because of unknown forces, regret for the turn their lives have taken…regret that they are unable to send everything to hell and fully give in to their feelings.

"Your eyes are shining." Jean whispers huskily when they pull away, but still unwilling to let go of her completely and Sasha offers him a small smile as a reply. Not only her eyes, but her whole face is glowing right now, for the first time in forever, and he longs to take her in his arms again, to kiss her like he used to, to keep her in his hug, to take her away from everything that's been messing with her. He knows that such thoughts are wrong, but he's only human, after all, and right now Sasha's looking more alive than she has ever looked in these years of separation.

In the end, he briefly kisses her cheek and takes his leave to allow her some space and to gather his thoughts. Sasha, still breathing heavily, still feeling out of place, still crying, leans against the kitchen counter, her whole body shaking, for this kiss, this small gesture of love she dared express after all this time, is still clouding her mind.

 _You idiot! You could have endangered everything, you put Jean in danger! What if someone was watching, huh? What if they think you told him everything?_

But there's no such sign outside, no car or suspicious faces passing by, nothing out of the order…no sign that _they_ were watching…but Sasha knows too well that they always watch…they made it clear four years ago, on that fateful night.

 _It was just for once. Just one moment of being daring before my official doom in a week. Just this once._

 _I'm sorry, Jean. I wish I could talk…I wish I could go away, but I can't. I_ have _to get married to keep you safe…Only as a married woman will I stop feeling the temptation to run into your hug and talk to you._

 _At least, I hope so._

* * *

When Sasha hears the doorbell ring the next evening, followed by two voices greeting Bertholdt, she doesn't bother to exit the bedroom and go greet her fiancé's visitors. All in all she avoids contact with Bert's friends unless it's absolutely necessary…everything a part of the attempt to be as detached as possible without looking suspicious to him. But then a booming laughter reaches her ears, a laughter that sounds almost ominous and makes her freeze in front of the wardrobe…because this laughter is awfully familiar to her. With a determined sigh she opens the door and sneaks at the corridor, quietly sitting down at the stairs and grateful that the entrance hall and the open living-room door are preventing those present from seeing her.

"So, Bert, are you absolutely sure that your blushing bride hasn't said anything?"

"Reiner, we've been through this; no, she hasn't revealed anything."

"Let's hope so, don't forget what we told you four years ago," a female voice is added, cold and emotionless, as if they're talking about something normal. "If she ever opens her mouth and blabs, you're on your own, no one from the Warriors will bother to save you."

"Yeah, I got that the first two hundred times you said that, Annie." Bertholdt sounds resigned, like he's bored explaining the obvious. "You guys don't have to worry, Sasha won't tell anyone."

"Good," the other man, Reiner, approves and a sound is heard, like patting on the back. "Remember, we need to make sure that this bunch of fools will never discover what exactly happened to their friend. That freckled idiot was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and that's all they need to know; no investigating, no avenging, no going to the police."

"That's exactly what will happen. You two scared her to death that night, I don't think Sasha will ever have the guts to blab."

Sasha barely makes it back to the bedroom before her body betrays her and she collapses on the floor, back leaning against the door and muffled sobs wrecking her as guilt, nightmares and suppressed memories come back with all their brutal strength.

That night four years ago. She had just left Dr. Zoe's clinic, where she worked, and was on her way to Jean's home. She practically spent every other night at his place, trying to comfort him as much as she could after Marco's death. But she hadn't made it far before two hooded figures in jackets had slammed her into a wall in an alley, the one grabbing her collar to prevent her from escaping and the other holding a knife to her throat.

 _"_ _Now, now, no need to be afraid…if you're a good girl and do as we say then nothing will happen to you and your friends," the one with the knife hisses in a snake-like voice that sounded female. "As long as you stop trying to find out what exactly happened to your precious little friend a month ago!"_

 _"_ _No more contacts with the police. No more trying to find out what happened. Your buddy was foolish enough to get in our way and he paid the price…and unless you want to go and find him, you'll listen to us!"_

 _"_ _You'll leave his best friend, that idiotic boyfriend of yours! You'll break his heart! You'll make him hate you! And you'll stop asking questions about the Bodt guy!"_

 _"_ _I won't. Not in a thousand years!" Sasha hisses back, but the woman presses the knife even harder to her throat, making her wince in fear and pain._

 _"_ _Don't be silly, girl! If you don't do as we say, then Kirstein will be the first to go and you will watch!" the man taunts her. "Then the freckled fool's lovely wife and her unborn child! Then you! And everyone else connected to him!"_

 _"_ _So don't try to trick us! And remember, if you defy us, we'll know immediately. The Warriors know everything, girl. And they always watch!"_

And now these two who threatened her that night…these two who forced her to destroy everything and everyone around her…had stepped right into her life again…and Bertholdt knew everything from the start! Jean, her, Mina, her beautiful goddaughter Marcella, who will never meet her father…they all are victims of a conspiracy that started four years ago and still goes on. Everything a part of the plan…everything in order to stop Marco's loved ones from seeking revenge from the powerful serial killer gang that roams the entire country. They wanted to break everyone so much, that they would simply accept Marco's death and wouldn't ask further questions.

It was easy with Mina, who was the most vulnerable of all due to her pregnancy that period of time. Marco's death had shattered her so much, that Sasha's sweet friend almost had a miscarriage because of the shock. When Mina recovered, she immediately packed her things and went to live with her parents back in Karanese, in an effort to change environment and raise her child.

With her and Jean, though, it seems that the Warriors had a more difficult job. Jean's grief, anger and determination to solve the mystery behind Marco's murder, Sasha's decision that she would stand by his side and her job at the coroner's clinic were the three main reasons for them to worry that things wouldn't be easy with them.

 _So they played the card they knew would have the intended results…they force me to leave Jean to make him weaker…and they threaten me with his life to make sure that I'd never talk to him about what transpired that night._

And it had worked. She had done everything they had said, she had broken up with Jean only that same night, using as harsh words as possible to assure that he would never try to win her back. She had even steeled her heart when they started hanging out again, fighting the urge to tell him…she was determined to marry Bert to start a new life and put even more distance between them.

But even this was part of their plan.

 _Well, not the hell anymore, you murderous jerks!_

When Reiner and Annie leave and Bertholdt goes to Sasha, he finds her packing her things with so furious gestures and such rage in her eyes that he doesn't need long to figure out what's happening. Sighing and cursing himself mentally, he gently grabs her arm, wants to approach her soothingly..but Sasha shoves away his arm and pushes him to the wall, staring at him with a dangerous glare he sees for the first time.

"Don't you dare! Don't you even dare, Bertholdt, because, I swear, I'm one second before sending you to join Marco," she hisses so menacingly that the words sound way darker than they would if she had screamed them. "All part of you and your buddies' plan, huh? It wasn't enough that you killed an innocent person, leaving his wife a widow and his daughter an orphan before even her birth, oh no, you had to break us all, eh?"

"Sasha—"

"Shut. The Hell. Up! I did everything your accomplices told me, Bertholdt! I destroyed my life, everything I had built and that made me happy! I broke Jean's heart! I never said anything to anyone in order to protect him! Hell, I stopped looking after myself because of the burden! But no, they sent you to start a relationship with me so you could control me…report to them whether I kept my word, is that right?"

"That's how it started, yeah." Bertholdt uses the fact that Sasha stops talking to take a breath. "But then I…I also thought that…if I cared about you…if I tried to make you happy…I'd somehow make up for everything you've been going through."

"Oh my God, you Warrior guys really think I'm merely a puppet for you to use, right?" Sasha laughs; a sarcastic and dark laughter that makes the tall man lower his head. "If you _cared_ about me, Hoover, you'd have talked to me years ago! You'd have confessed everything, you'd allow me to make my own decision and then you'd get the hell away from my life! You didn't do it for me, you did it for your own selfish reasons…to chase away whatever guilt you felt…or because you were dead scared of the others, I don't know and I don't care!"

"Sasha, if you leave this house, then you'll be on your own! I won't be able to protect you anymore…Jean's life will be in danger again!"

"Spare me your threats, Bertholdt! Dammit, I was determined to stay with you! I was determined to shut Jean out of my life for his sake! But when I heard that _you_ also knew everything from the very beginning, I suddenly realized what exactly I've been doing all these years! And I won't be a pawn on your chessboard anymore, I've wasted enough time with all of you!"

An hour later, when Sasha is back in her old room, in Connie's apartment, she allows herself to break down, bursting out agony and misery of four long, dead years. But, it's weird…her tears are somehow making her see clearer than ever...it's like everything is sorted out now.

Because no matter how cruel this world is, no matter how often we think that demons rule it, there comes a moment when the walls hiding the truth crumble to pieces.

* * *

Jean doesn't know what to think when he approaches Sasha, who's sitting on her bed clutching her head with her hands and shaking. Connie had summoned him worried a few minutes ago, saying that Sasha is in shock, that her wedding is cancelled and that she's been asking for him. His friend hadn't stayed long in the apartment, telling him he'd go to Krista's to arrange everything with her since Sasha obviously isn't in the position to do anything considering the cancelling of the wedding arrangements…and to leave them alone to talk.

"Sash?" Jean starts as he sits down next to her and gently raises her head so she will look at him with red-rimmed eyes. "Sasha, hey…please…what's been wrong with you?"

"You'll learn everything, that's why I told Connie I needed to see you," she answers while rubbing her eyes, voice unnaturally calm given how much she cried. "I owe you so much, Jean…an apology…an explanation…and feel free to hate me afterwards, hell, I won't be surprised if you hate me, but…you have the right to know."

"Sasha, Sasha, you know I could never hate you…despite you thinking that I _should_ for some reason." Jean assures her and takes her cold hand in his. Now he's scared of what he's about to hear, but he doesn't show it, keeping his tone gentle and sweet for Sasha's sake. "What should I know?"

"Well, I told you yesterday that everything I said four years ago was a lie…and I found out that everything that happened afterwards was a lie too. A well-designed lie that trapped us both in a nightmarish circle."

"What do you mean?"

The more Jean hears, the more his expression changes from confused to enraged as the horror of four years ago takes form in his mind in all its details…now everything is explained, everything, and especially why Sasha was so silent and depressed all this time. The Warriors wanted to make sure that no one would look into Marco's case for long…and to achieve that they had struck Sasha, who was always there for everyone and therefore would keep everything a secret if it meant protecting those close to her…protecting _him_.

"You didn't even suspect Bertholdt's role in all this?"

"No, not a single suspicion, how could I? I had thought we had a normal relationship…and I hoped that my conscience as a married woman would keep me away from you, that I'd be able to stay silent."

"So, what exactly changed today, Sasha? Why deciding to talk to me in a sudden?"

"Because when I made that discovery, Jean, I realized how tired I am! How fed up of having others deciding my life for me! That's why I decided to stop this farce…to open up to you…to finally allow _you_ to decide what you wanna do with these monsters!" Sasha exclaims, the guilt and the anger obvious in her voice and fresh tears escape her eyes when she sees Jean so lost, so furious, so devastated by everything he's learned. "God, Jean, I'm so sorry, I know an apology isn't enough, but I'm really sorry, I-I only hope that one day you'll forgive me, but—"

"You think I'm angry at _you_?!" Jean stares at her as if she's grown a second head; does she seriously think that his hatred is towards her after the huge weight she's been carrying for him? "You wasted your life away for four years because of me and you think _I_ should be angry at you? No, Sasha, it's not anger I feel towards you, I only wish you'd have talked to me sooner…these bastards would have paid…and you'd be free of all this pain."

"I could handle the pain. Your life was at stake, so I faced everything…it was difficult, but you were safe and that was enough."

She's still confused and guilty for everything, he can see that; but he can't help himself, he brings her into his hug and hides his head on her shoulder, caressing their still joined hands and rubbing her back comfortingly. He almost cries right now, for everything Sasha was forced to do, for everything that was happening under his nose without him realizing anything, for how Sasha suffered on her own, enduring, without once seeking help from anyone. And at the same time he closes his eyes, relishing the feeling of _finally_ hugging her again, of being so close to her after years of loneliness, of feeling her relaxing in his arms...she was willing to sacrifice her future and her physical and mental health for him, the least he can do is constantly be here for her now.

"God, I've missed this so much," apparently Sasha has similar thoughts; Jean can feel her breath due to their proximity and he immediately forgets the demons tormenting them; right now the only thing that matters is that things have cleared. "I've missed _you_ so much, it was pure hell without you…I'm so sorry for everything!"

Jean can't hold back anymore; he's been struggling four years to keep his distances, to behave only as a friend towards her. Now emotions hidden for what seems like a lifetime explode violently, triggered by the revelations and Sasha's confessions and the tension between them. He doesn't want to think about anything, he doesn't even want to _talk_ anymore, also tired of the lies and the schemes that tore them apart. And so he buries his hands in her chestnut brown hair and crushes their lips together in a bruising kiss that blurs their minds and scorches Sasha through and through, making everything outside this room fade into oblivion. His grip on her hair tightens, like a desperate way to tell her how much he's missed this as well, how much he hurt these years…how there's no need for her to feel guilty for him.

Sasha doesn't have the power to resist…not that she even thinks about resisting at this moment. She just wants to stay like this, with the love of her life, and so she fists his shirt and brings him impossibly closer to her, a hand gently travelling to the back of his head, and she reciprocates the kiss with the same longing. And she doesn't care how clichéd this sounds, but after four years of pretending and of blocking everything, right now it's like she's reborn again…like she has returned where she belongs.

"I love you, I love you so much," she breathes out while slightly pulling away for air, although Jean's lips continue laying warm, passionate kisses on her neck. It feels so good to finally feel his affection in all its glory...to finally say the words…all this time she hadn't uttered them, not a single time, and now she feels happiness swelling in her chest at saying them. "Don't let me go again, Jean, please."

"Never again, I promise…I love you too, more than you can imagine," he soothingly whispers in her ear and looks her in the eyes; tears are still glistening in them, but he can _finally_ see that spark he's missed for so long, the spark she had whenever she was happy or excited about something, making her eyes look almost golden now that there's no distance between them. Sasha opens her mouth to answer, but he stops her by gently pressing his fingers against her lips. "No more talking for tonight, Sasha," he tells her, his voice hoarse from all the feelings overwhelming him, yet still so tender, like he always was with her, only with her.

Sasha kissing him fiercely is a clear enough answer for him. Tomorrow they'll have plenty of time to talk about everything and make serious decisions…just for tonight, they deserve to focus on the two of them.

* * *

The next morning, the sun creeps through the close curtains, bathing them in its golden light and causing a content smile to appear on Jean's face as he watches Sasha sleep calmly, her hair sprawled on her pillow and his fingers lightly drawing patterns on her bare shoulder and arm. No matter the anger and mourning that still prevails in him, right now he's happy, a wild determination filling him, like he can face all the demons in the world…and when Sasha opens her eyes and gives him her gentlest smile and a soft peck, it's like he's in peace.

"Good morning," she whispers, the calm tone sounding perfectly fitting to the sunny day and it's like neither one of them wants to think about what will follow.

"Good morning, love." Jean returns the sentiment, noticing how her smile becomes wider at the tender characterization; it's like she's forgotten what it means to love and be loved back, trapped in a void for four years; but he'll prove to her every day how precious she is to him if necessary. "How did you sleep?"

"Great, actually, without any nightmares. How about you?"

"Well, you should ask me whether I slept at all. I watched you all night," he admits with a smirk, snickering when she laughs and playfully shoves his shoulder.

"You're a big sap, you know that?"

"Oh, come on, you love it."

"Never said I didn't."

And how can Jean feel nervous about the outcome of yesterday's discoveries when he sees Sasha finally joking and being witty…when she's looking at him with so much love and gratitude for not staying angry at her? Before he can answer, though, a discrete knock on the door interrupts them and Connie's cheerful voice comes next.

"Oi, lovebirds, if you think you can stop being glued to each other for, like, five seconds, I've made breakfast!" he announces. Sasha bursts into loud laughter and covers her mouth, while Jean leaves a supposedly frustrated groan.

"I'm gonna give the shortie a piece of my mind, seriously," he mumbles, although his tone comes more friendly and teasing than he intended to.

"Can you give him a piece of your mind after we have some breakfast? For some reason, I'm actually starving." Sasha comments and Jean stops complaining about Connie as he looks at her and brushes a finger against her thin face.

"Good, you've been neglecting your health for far too long. I want you to start looking after yourself again, okay? You need to eat and sleep properly…to smile…to laugh."

"It won't be easy. But I think I'll make it."

"That's my girl." Jean smiles and tenderly kisses her forehead. "Hey, how about we go somewhere today? Just the two of us, where we can talk about everything calmly?"

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Utgard Castle is an abandoned fortress about half an hour away from Trost and is a very popular attraction, not only to tourists, but also to residents from the nearby town and cities. History says that a battle ensued here about two thousand years ago between enemy forces, at the height of a great war that had plagued the entire region for years. Of course, the local legends have added their own share of conspiracies and exaggerations: about humanoid giants roaming the area and people who could actually transform into said giants…about traitors infiltrating the military ranks and how the key to victory was, ironically enough, one of those who had shifting powers.

Back when everything was perfect and guilt and demons hadn't turned their lives to hell, the castle was one of Jean and Sasha's favorite places to visit. They loved the endless view of green meadows all around, they loved listening to the guides narrating historic facts and legends about this place alike….once Sasha had even said that she'd give anything to time travel back into the days of the war to see how the castle looked like before the passing of time made cracks appear on its walls and two of its towers fall.

It's oddly fitting, how they're back here today, after clearing things between them and finding out what exactly broke both of them. As they stare down at the sunlit meadow and listen to the chatting of the visitors behind them, with Jean's arms protectively wrapped around Sasha's shoulders, it's like the burden the young woman has been carrying starts leaving her. With a determined gesture she closes her eyes and frees her hair from her ponytail, allowing it to dance in the midday breeze and taking a deep breath…an expression of freedom that is like a redemption for the mistakes of the past.

"You look so beautiful right now…so carefree." Jean says and brings her closer so her head rests on his chest. "We're gonna make it, Sasha, I swear, nothing and no one will ever hurt you anymore."

"I know…apparently we're much stronger than I had thought, eh?" Sasha snuggles in his hug, a part of her still unable to believe that she's here, that she's free. "Jean, I promise, whatever you decide…about Bertholdt and the Warriors...I'll stand by your side. So take your time to make up your mind, okay?"

"Yeah, I was thinking about that. I think we're not the only ones who have to decide what we'll do from now on. Sasha…Mina deserves to know too. I know it's hard for you, but—"

"No, no, I agree. She has to know, we have to go to Karanese and I'll tell her everything…although I don't know how I'll ever look her in the eyes again…Jean, I kept silent despite having information about her husband's death, do you understand that? And Marcella…God, she's only four years old, how the hell will she take it when she grows up and learns the truth?"

"Sasha, listen to me." Jean puts a hand on her cheek, forcing her to open her eyes and look at him, for he knows that a long time will pass before Sasha gets over the despair and the guilt. "Even if Mina reacts angrily at the beginning, I'm sure she'll understand why you didn't tell her anything…after all, you've been protecting us all this time. And we'll protect Marcella from the harsh truth for as long as we can, okay? We'll face everything together from now on…let me carry this weight with you from now on."

Because, even if demons _do_ rule the reality around them in the end, circling around them like vultures, if the burden is shared everything seems easier.

* * *

 **A/N: Oh for the love of God, what is this couple doing to me, why on earth aren't they canon? Anyway, that was it, guys, hope you liked it and stay tuned for the next one-shot, which will be posted in the next days ;)  
**


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